Hello again. You all know I hate this show. You all know it physically makes me ill to watch and then subsequently have to spend hours of my day writing about this show. Lets just cut the crap. Unfortunately, Im way too invested into this fucking show and Im also like, way too funny to not be writing these. So here we go.
Aria is acting weird AF since that proposal from Ezra. She obviously was like nah and now shes stressed. To be clear, shes not stressed about the fact that shes a murderer and shes being hunted by a murderershes stressed over a boy.
Hanna thinks Snaggle might still be alive and Im like, please god no. Please dont bring his fractured, saber-toothed face back into my life. They"re like there was someone who looks like him driving a car! How can that be possible? Isnt this show like the poster child of mask making? I feel like thats a pretty logical solution.
Spencer practically yells that they murdered someone and they all wonder how everyone knows theyre goddam business. They think AD or whoever might be helping them cover up the murder, but like, why would AD do that? Like thats just against the rules of psycho-murderer-ism!
Theyre like, "if AD is Jenna, then she could be grooming Sara to become her new seeing-eye dog! I imagine the PLL writers have a bet going as to who can slip in the most blind people jokes into an episode.
PLL WRITER ONE: Im gonna call her a chic Helen Keller
PLL WRITER TWO: Well Im going to call her a fuglier DareDevil, so there!
Ali walks in wearing that fugly red sweater that you would see on one of those ladies with the red outfits and purple hats, and theyre like and she says it was a gift from AD.
ALI: This red jacket is all that fits me right now.
Spencer is like we thought you were guilty so we turned you in, dont you understand??? Ali is like
ALI: WHY DONT WE ALL JUST STAB HANNA?
SPENCER: See, this is why we thought you were a murderer.
Spencers like, "dont worry dude, Hanna murdered the guy in charge, so its all gravy." Thats like, sooooo reassuring. They say two wrongs dont make a right, but two murders makes a fucking party amiright?
Mary texts Ali and says the cops are waiting for her and Spencers like oh goodie, Ill tag along. The gardener from (I knew I remembered him from somewhere!!!!)/the old Rob Lowe says Snaggle is actually Archer Dunhill, some thief from England. Which pretty much only made me think of this:
Basically, Snaggles an international sneaky fuck/before poster in your dentists office.
Spencer is asking questions like its her fucking case and the cops are like, totally answering her. Any other cop would be like the fuck, bitch? But this cop isnt a regular cop, hes a cool cop.
He says that they think everythingthe rental car, the train ticket, etc.was a distraction so the police wont find out what really happened. Can I get a slow clap for the Rosewood PD? Finally they got some real officers! What a time to be alive.
MD is like omg why and its like bitch, you know why. Hes not done trying to murder yall! The detective/Gardener is like well catch him and Im like lol lemme know how that works out for ya.
Spencer goes to clear the air with the gardener and is like I obvi didnt know youd be a cop and come back to anally fuck my murder plans. She doesnt want to be a conflict of interest, but that ship has left the harbor, dude. He asks if Ali is holding back and Spencer is like omg no! She would never!
Aria is listening to a desperate voicemail from Ezra. I only get voicemails from my dad and my dentists office confirming appointments, but whatever.
Aria texts Hanna needing advice about this whole proposal thing, because you should always call you local murderer for some guidance. Hanna still has Snaggles phone and it rings. Some British dude gets on the line and is like next time you bury someone, make sure theyre dead! Obviously this is not the real fucking Snaggle, but Hanna has the IQ of a brain dead Chihuahua and thinks it is.
Aria is wearing a sweater that could be found either a) on a homeless person in the 80s or b) your local Goodwill. Shes talking to Hanna who wants to call the police because the guy she murdered is like, totally not murdered. #FirstWorldProblems
Meanwhile, Emily sees Sara go to the third floor of the Radley and learns that Jenna is staying in room 303 because the room service guy practically screams it. Everyone just fucking yells everything in Rosewood. Also, can we start a GoFundMe for the Radley workers to get new uniforms? Whoever said suspenders was the new belt was seriously disturbed.
Spencer goes off by herself to visit the Lost Woods resort which we all know is not a good idea to go in the woods along when people are trying to murder you. Like have you ever seen a horror movie, literally ever? The first scene is *girl walks in the woods* then *girl gets head chopped off in the woods*.
Shes talking to Aria whos like be careful and Spencers like I broke in once, Im fucking James Bond. She goes to break in and literally just opens the door. Thats it. And then MD is there with a crowbar. Oh, its lit.
MDs like Snaggle is fucking after me, bro and Spencers like could you just like, chill for a sec? MD like doesnt even care that Spencers there and is just like rambling on about how someone is going to kill her.
And can I just say, the Lost Woods Hotel, which looks like a fucking shed on the outside, looks like a 5 star hotel on the inside. #moviemagic. Also, Ill take the bait and say something smart: If youre so concerned for your safety, why is the door unlocked? If youre from Africa, why are you white?
They hear a bunch of cans rattling and MDs like HERES THE CROWBAR GO SEE WHAT IT IS and Spencers like "okie doke." Of course, there is no one there. MDs like k Im gonna need my crowbar back now.
Hannas like why couldnt we be those less hot, boring people? And Arias like "ugh we would hate being those murder-free peasants."
HANNA: Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
Aria tells Hanna about the proposal and says she told Ezra she would think about it. She doesnt wanna marry him because they killed someone and theyre having this conversation LITERALLY ON THE STEPS OF THE POLICE STATION.
She doesnt wanna get married if shes like gonna be behind bars because shell def have to become a lesbian in there if she wants to survive. Too much baggage.
Arias like If you and Jordan can make it work then we can and Hannas like "about that," and throws her ring into the bushes, like a low budget . She tells Aria that the ring isnt real while Aria is as shocked as Damien when Cady Heron broke the Spring Fling crown.
She tells Aria that she should say yes to Ezra, while a random-ass police officer is watching them.
HANNA: So why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean it"s just plastic, it"s really just... (throws the ring)
ARIA: GASP!
Ezra is j chillin when Caleb shows up. He says he doesnt know whats up with him and Spencer and Ezras like eh, dont care. Calebs like do you ever get the feeling that the girls are always fucking lying to us? and Ezras like wut.
Emily goes to deliver drinks to Jenna and Saraya know, the two girls who wanna murder her. Jenna is just playing the flute casually and this party fucking sucks.
Emily takes advantage of the blind girl (obvi) and goes to look at Jennas computer while Jenna is like, right there. Turns out Jenna has a file about Charlotte and a website about a rental car in Baltimore. So the whole thing is pretty sus.
Sara comes in and catches Emily whos just like, standing there. Why did Emily think that would work? Like, didnt you go huh, I wonder where the girl with eyesight, that I know is up here, is?
Emilys like And Jennas like
Sara professes her love for Emily and basically tells her that they"re not threatening the Liars; they are looking for Charlottes killer too. Jenna is like and tells Emily to mind her own fucking business.
Emily says she wants the truth and Jennas like and the proceeds to tell her what I assume is a lie.
She says Charlotte was her friend and that she helped Archie and Charlotte get together. In a flashback, Charlotte is asking if Jenna found her birth mother. Apparently shes a blind detectiveI think thats spin-off worthy.
Charlotte told Jenna that Archie is going to get close to Ali and convince her that Charlotte is doing better so that Charlotte can be let out of Radley. Charlottes like he knows everything about me and he still loves me! He knows you were born a man, you killed and tortured people and you used to make out with your brother/cousin/whatever, and he still loves you? Still a better romance than .
Emilys like how did you become her friend? Jennas like oh I read about her and hunted her down because Im a big fan.
JENNA: OH MY GOD Danny Devito, I love your work!
Jennas like "but hold the fuck onI CALLED HIM AND YOU GUYS ANSWERED." So maybe Jenna should call the cops on the Liars. Ah, the tables, how they have turned.
Sara, the worst actress ever to exist, tells Emily to be safe and that she cares about her. Which is such a change of pace from the past two seasons where Sara has tried to get Emily killed. Emilys like and Saras . Shes fucking blind. The only thing you need to be afraid of is her driving a car. Just as shes about to spill who Emily should be afraid of, Jenna yells for her.
Spencer and Caleb are hanging out and Caleb apologizes, saying hes confused. Spencer says she doesnt regret dating Caleb, she just wishes he would die in a fire.
She talks about how when Toby and her broke up she couldnt feel attracted to anyone, until her best friends ex came around. Then suddenly he was lighting up her board, if you know what I mean.
Spencer is like And tells him it was nice to remember being in love again. This sounds like a bad Taylor Swift song. And no breakup sex? This isnt even realistic!
Alison is playing with a necklace after telling MD she went through her shit because MD tried to steal some of Alis moms stuff.
Ali wants to know Charlotte why called herself CeCe Drake if she had never met Mary Drake (MD) and MDs like my murdering crazy baby did that? and tears up. She acts like she just sent her kid to college. She said she doesnt know where Charlotte got that name, but shes like, so flattered she was considered!
She shows Ali her pregnancy scar, like wtf, and is like yup, this is where they ripped Charlotte out of me. She describes it like Charlotte was born a fucking demon. MD says Jessica took her son (which remember, is Charlotte, keep up please) and that Jessica steals everything from her. Poor Ali now has to come to terms with the fact her mom is a cunt.
Aria goes to Ezras in that fugly sweater and is like I want to marry you, but..." Shes pulling a JoJo and is like I wanted it to be you! Aria tells Ezra about the murder because hiding a felony from your hubby isnt very wifey material.
Alis drinking wine and bitching about how Charlotte lied to her and betrayed her and its like, what did you expect? Shes actually a diagnosed psycho. Emilys like , and then leaves, while that weird cop who is someone in a mask is watching Alis house.
Spencer and Hanna are in a park late at night, sitting on a swing set, drinking and talking about boys. This is shit I did in high school. Spencer tells Hanna she didnt have to lie about her engagement and to pursue Caleb. Wow, she got over that real quick.
Hanna tells Spencer about the dream she had about her in ADs lair and is like and Spencers like . ADs phone rings and they answer. The British dude is like first you turn her in, then you leave her all alone? Stupid bitches. Im honestly digging ADs vibe rn.
Hanna calls Ali is like Alis likeSpencer tells her that her dead husband might come back to murder her, so she needs to like hang out with the cops. Ali immediately invites the cop inside as all of us viewers shake our head and drink wine saying you done fucked up.
The cop disappears and Ali goes to find him in her room. He spray-painted the wall with Honey Im home and then fucking attacks her. Alis like
Whoever it is, Ali rips part of their mask, and she says Snaggles name. He ditches when the cops show up, but not first after trying to strangle the fuck out of her.
ALI: Is this a weird husband-wife BDSM thing? Cause I gotta say, I was into it until you shoved my head into a mirror.
Aria tells Ezra that AD might still be around after the attack and Ezras like oh you didnt murder someone? That changes things. Which is like the exact opposite of what youre supposed to consider before marrying someone.
Ali starts playing mood music while Emily tries to help her. Alis like he put the jacket in my room because he knew I would break away and be alone and apologizes to Emily for getting mad at her for falsely accusing her of murder.
Ezra proposes to Aria again and Arias like See kids, you can fuck your teacher and have a happily ever after. This is like a very inappropriate Nick Sparks book. Forbidden love and someone dies. Im just waiting for Ezra to get diagnosed with cancer (another staple of the Nick Sparks books).
Sara Harvey is dressed like a lesbian bank robber and packing her shit real quick. She has places to go and carpet to munch. She opens the door and someone is waiting there for her, so thats not good.
Spencer and Hanna are, again, alone in the woods and go to ADs grave. They decide to dig this mother fucker up and discover, yup still dead.
Back at the Radley, housekeeping is there listening to headphones, which everyone knows means shes gonna find a dead body. And wouldnt you know it, she finds a very dead, very dykey Sara Harvey. You wont be missed. Buh bye now!
The episode closes with AD reviewing his casual video of the girls uncovering Snaggle"s grave and panning out to a pile of Charlottes books and letters to AD.
AD TO CHARLOTTE: At first I did not know it was your diary, I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.
Read more: <a href="http://betches.com/pretty-little-liars-season-7-episode-6-recap">http://www.betches.com/</a>
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